Great Expectations

You know the saying…”If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed.”

I get it. I’ve been there.

You work hard, but the promotion goes to someone else. You pour yourself into a relationship, but you’re treated like crap. 
((Insert personal disappointments here)) 
You post all the inspirational quotes, you anticipate good things, and instead are left with disappointment, a heart that’s a little bit harder, and skin that’s a little bit thicker. And then you do it again. And you’re tired of trying. 
Disappointment is draining. It hurts. 

So, you start to expect less out of life, and you get it.

But what if instead, you dusted yourself off {again}, and not only kept going, but kept expecting that good things were on their way--just around the corner even? What if you believed that those things you dream were still possible, that there existed a person who would make you feel loved and valued like you never had before, that life had joy to offer in the midst of all the pain and chaos, and that there were still things worth waiting for?

Think about that.

Iv'e spent a lot of my adult life -all eleven years of it- being cynical and negative (it's not pretty folks). When I let that girl go, everything changed. Now, instead of being broken and discouraged by the inevitable disappointments life will bring, I learn who I am in the middle of it. Dare I say, because of it. 

The bad stuff makes the good taste even better. 
The hard stuff makes you brave.

We might be disappointed {again}, we might get hurt {again}, we might have to start over {again}…or we might not. 

What a scary, exciting, unpredictable, wonderful adventure this is! Let’s guard our hearts and our minds, yes, but let’s never stop taking risks, or stop believing for the best. 

Let’s expect great things, and I think we just might find them!

I wrote her a letter instead:

She’s the best of the best. The cream of the crop. She’s the one I always call first. 

She’s my best friend. 

Forever.

When you live 800 miles away from your best, it’s always dumb--there’s just no ifs, and, or buts about that. But once in a while there are days {like today} when you would give just about anything to be able to bike to her house and spend the day with her. It’s not a particularly special day, but it is one that I’d love to spend drinking iced tea on her couch and catching up on the last 7 hours of life {that’s a long time in best friend land}. I’d love to lie on the floor and read books with her beautiful babies, craft the day away while we watch old Project Runway episodes, and laugh till we cry, because life is hilarious. 

But, I can't. 
So I wrote her a letter instead:

Dear Candace,

It’s hard to believe that I moved away over a year and ½ ago. So much has happened! So much is different, but so much is the same. When I moved, my stomach ached nervously for our friendship. My past is speckled with best friends. Really amazing people who absolutely were my very favorites, who knew all my best and worst, who I laughed with, cried with, stayed up all night scaring people in the dorm bathrooms with, drove 5 hours in the wrong direction with, and then some. I will always treasure those loves. But when life said, “it’s time to go,” those friendships would become faded versions of themselves. 

They would never be the same.

With you, it’s different. 

I don’t feel that you're any less my best friend today than I did when I tearfully hugged you goodbye on your porch on that day-that day that seems like so long ago now. I truly feel that for the rest of my life, when I’m talking about my best friend, I will be talking about you. We have fought to say that. We have worked hard at it. We have been painfully honest when we were hurt by one another. You have loved me on my most unlovable days. 

And now we're here, and it's better than ever! 

At the end of my first day teaching, it's you I'll call. When I'm wearing that pretty white dress, you'll be standing next to me. When my babies are only an hour old, they will know your face 
(Skype= other BFF). 

Oh darling friend, the best is yet to come!

We will both make other really good friends. That’s okay. Sometimes, we will go weeks without a phone date. That’s okay too. But sweep away the craziness of life {grad school, family, distance, careers}, and there will always be me and you, babe. 

Best friends. Forever.

I love you.

<3

One of our favorite blog posts, if you want more squishy, best girlfriend, goodness: 

35 things I want my daughter to know about girlfriends.
So good.

In a Nutshell:

**WARNING: this is a cliche new years post**

I hope your 2012 was wonderful. I really do. I'm sitting here on my couch, on New Years eve, reflecting on a year that changed my life in more ways than I probably know. My heart is content, and it's full of joy. 

I know that's not the case for many. I know. I know what it's like to be broken on December 31st. I know what it's like to be desperate for midnight to just come already. 

I hope that's not you. But if it is, I pray 2013 is your fresh start. 

I pray it's one that is full of surprises, second chances, of healing and of hope.

Reflection. 

{A few things I learned, in no particular order}

1. Rain boots in Portland are a good idea.

2. I am more loved than I can ever try to understand.

3. Faith.

4. Every breath is a second chance.

5. Tomorrow sure isn't promised.

6. I don't have to be aggressive or mean to be strong.

7. Fifteen hour plane rides are much more bearable when seated next to a pretty boy. Just sayin.

8. Hope. 

9. There is ALWAYS hope.

10. Eating Thai food 3-4 times a week is perfectly acceptable.

11. Walking away doesn't always mean you lost.

12. Cougartown is hilarious. Like, my favorite. Who knew? 

13. If you don't quit, you win.

14. Jesus is faithful.

15. I need people. I can't do life alone.

16. I have people. I have really good people.

17. Grace. Beautiful grace.

18. Taking chances is worth it.

19. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by all of this that I think I might literally explode.

So, see ya later 2012. Thanks for everything. And to quote my pastor and friend, "Our best days are ahead!" I believe it, and I can't wait. 

Lub- Dub, lub-dub, lub-dub...

Last time I blogged (like a billion years ago), I was smack dab in the middle of a juice fast. I'm proud to say I completed it, and it felt wonderful! Like most of the things I get excited about, I was pumped, jumped in with both feet, got bored and moved on. {Reason #347 I'm still not married} Who the H-E-double hockey sticks has time every morning to juice, anyways? I'm lucky if my shirt is right side out! 

Moving on...this blog isn't about juice.

 For obvious reasons, I, like all of you, have done some serious thinking in the last couple weeks. I have felt broken and helpless for the state of humanity, and I have felt hope, because well, I believe there's always hope. There is much that needs to be discussed and much that needs to be done. But that is for a different blog on a different night. Tonight is about a silly thought that crossed my simple mind. I've always placed myself in the "don't take a single breath for granted" category. I have traveled. I say I love you often. When life has given me opportunities, I have jumped at them. When something scares me, I usually do it anyway. Don't get me wrong, I've totally spent seven hours in my underwear, eating raw cookie dough, and watching 80s sitcoms on Netflix {hello, The Wonder Years and Cheers, am I right?!}, but overall, I feel like I've got a pretty good grasp on "life is short". So, I'm not sure if this is weirdly morbid or totally silly, or both {probably both}, but I find that when I post on Facebook, I always think about how it could very well be the last thing I ever post on the ol' book! I know, I'm ridiculous, but to me, this is a very scaled down version of "how do you want to be remembered?" I try not to post anything negative or boring, because if it IS my last post, I want the people that love me and miss me {this is all based on the assumption that at least a few of you would} to see that last post, and remember me as the girl who decorated way too early for Christmas, who took board games way too seriously, who liked eating soggy cereal, and who loved Jesus and the people around her, not as the girl who thinks the bank teller is an idiot, or complains about her job.

Morbid? Perhaps. But there's no guarantee that my heart will keep beating tonight. There's no promise that my lungs will keep filling with air. Who's to know if someone I encounter tomorrow might be hurting deeply, and in turn, decide to hurt me? I might live to be a hundred and nine and have 37 grandkids. I might be done here before having ever been in love. It's okay, either way.

So, that's just a silly thought I had about Facebook posts. I guess it kind of turned into something a little deeper.

Here's to living on purpose! If this becomes my last post, I hope it makes you smile, and I hope it inspires you to do one or all of these things: Go for it! Search out truth! Eat dessert first! Eat only dessert! Say what's on your heart! Ride scary rides! Other inspiring things! {If not, let's grab coffee and hug tomorrow!}

Oh yeah, James Dean. He is quoted as the one who spoke the famous "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." I wonder if he did. What a yummy man.

Juice.

I'm tired of drinking it.

Juice on!

As many of you know, I recently started a juice fast. Many of you have asked about it (how I'm doing, what's actually in each glass, etc). I thought I would spare the Facebook/Twitter world the details, and blog instead, for those who were really interested {two blogs in a week?! Be impressed}.

The deets: 10 days. Juice. Only juice. And water. No chewing. No coffee. NO COFFEE! Juice. A lot of juice. 

The benefits: In a nutshell, to consume an insane amount of plant based micro-nutrients (you would have to eat platters and platters of whole, un-juiced produce to get the same amount), and to give my hard working digestive system a rest from breaking down all the animal products and garbage I feed it regularly.

Pre-juice: Before Sunday (my start day), I would say I made pretty healthy choices. Health nut? Not even close. But I made a conscious effort to eat clean and organic, and worked out regularly (side note: I'm still a huge junk food junkie...don't be deceived, people). Whether or not that has affected/will affect my juice fast results, I'm not super sure, but it's something to consider.

Saturday night: I'm not gonna lie...I ate a giant plate of nachos. They were amazing. I don't regret it for a second. I was totally freaked out about what I was about to get myself into, and wondering if it was too late to back out. Luckily, I filled a cart full of colorful produce, and I was ready to go!

Day one: My alarm goes off an hour earlier than usual. Half asleep, I stare at it in confusion, change it to it's normal time, and drift back to sleep. Yep, already winning; totally how I wanted to start my juice fast. High five, Cyn.

After church, I head home to make my first glass. Kale, Spinach, cucumber, apple, and a lemon. I'm nervous. It's green...like, REAL green. It smells like plants. But to my surprise, it tastes wonderful!! "I can do this," I thought. 

Dinner on day one rolls around. I can hear the beets calling me from the crisper. Carrots, celery, kale, spinach, apple, beets, and fresh ginger. Oh boy...

Actually, not bad. Not quite as easy to swallow as my green drink, but not horrible. Another win!

Day 2: I kept waiting to feel horrible. I had read countless blogs/websites/etc that stressed how awful the first few days would be. How intense my cravings for food would be. But honest to goodness, I felt amazing! I had a bit of a dull headache (which, considering I had just dropped caffeine cold turkey, I was more than okay with), but overall, felt great! Woo hoo!! Started feeling more comfortable with the juicer, and playing with juice mixtures/recipes. 

Day three: woke up feeling great! Added cantaloupe and strawberries today. Trying to maintain a 70/30-60/40 veggie to juice ratio, but wanted something sweet and easy to drink for brekkie. Another great day...even went for a run! Still a little headachy, but feeling energized and full (haven't been hungry once), and I haven't had any of the crazy bathroom issues I have read so much about (I'll just leave it at that).

How pretty is juicing?!

So "the worst" is over. I kind of don't believe it. I'm pretty sure I'll want pizza in a couple days, but I guess we'll see! If you have any questions, just ask! Juice on!!!

The Best Part

I think the best part about always forgetting you have a blog, is the part when you remember that you do.  Then you go to said blog, and {after three unsuccessful login attempts} you read your last post. It's full of hope and excitement, and it's full of plans. Then you sit back and realize that those plans fell through. You're nowhere close to where you thought you would be. You're a different person than you had ever imagined being. And instead of feeling defeat, you breath a sigh of relief, and whisper, "thank you."


If I had to try and sum up the last six months of my life in one word, that word would be grateful. I've never felt grateful the way I feel it these days. I can feel it in my physical body; in my core, my bones. Sometimes, I almost feel like I might explode. 

I'm grateful for this peace I feel in my heart. I'm grateful for this beautiful city that I get to live in. I'm thankful for a job that supports me, and allowed me to buy this pretty teal nail polish that's on my toes. I'm grateful {overwhelmingly so} for grace, and for the God who gives it. I'm grateful for new friends who are wonderful, and for old ones, who are faithful. I'm grateful that my life is a life free of fear and full of promise.

A little vague, maybe. But it doesn't matter. I don't think I could put it in words if I tried.